What Now - What Next? 2018+

THE LIFE DIARIES 

A DISASTER 
 I waited long before writing this. 

And this was just a beginning. There was much to follow. 

To say that 2018 was difficult - is an understatement.... My life, our lives, changed forever....

My son Sam struggled with life - there were personal problems and difficulties happening that I shall not detail in this post.

But then in contrast he got a job - TUI Call Centre - he loved it. 
And they loved him...
And he made many friends...

And he got a nice flat that he liked in Townhill in Swansea

And his little Boy Izaak was beautiful

There was hope.
And we went to Longleat in our Caravan
Nani, Bampi, Daddy and Izaak
A lovely weekend....

Then - Home to Swansea
And then two days later I look down at him on a bed in A&E
MY SON
Lifeless, Sleeping, at Peace - and Beautiful
I kiss him goodbye

SAM IS DEAD

Pain and Despair beyond measure
A funeral
Hundreds of family and friends
Overwhelming Love

A GRAVE

An Inquest.... Heroin Overdose... 

Bereavement Councelling

BUT NOW

WHAT NEXT 

There is a child - my Grandson - IZAAK
And I love him

And I sit here and watch my love Janet and I getting older
 And I worry

What next

How will I cope with what comes next

I am not the man I used to be

I reflect

I knew that one day this would come...

But now it is here...

Mortality is at my door...

And I am becoming unwell, ill, vulnerable - in so many ways

I have so many pains - physical and emotional

Life currently 

HURTS

I am fighting to find peace

And Resolution

Is this selfish?

Or have I been strong for too long?

I want peace....

I crave for internal peace....

Let me free of responsibility....

And yet I know that is in itself a gross weakness...

And yet strength has its cost -  and its impact - in those quiet personal moments

When YOU are are at the centre of your universe

NO MATTER how selfish that may be

I may have been a Nurse, Mentor, Father, Husband, Confidant, Professional.

But I now feel inadequate.

I AM STRUGGLING

I cant do this - Can I ?

I want to run away...

And then I sleep...

And then another morning, another day....
 Reality Warps......

But I am still Dave, Dad, Grandad, Bampi, Confidant, Mentor...
Despite all I am still a lucky man....

There is a Janet, Tom, Nia, Dafydd, Rob, Flav, Louis - and of course an Izaak 
And I have many friends.....

AND YES ITS ANOTHER DAY... 
ONWARD....